Thanks to Radio 4 and a repeat of the programme I heard earlier in the week about the start of Radio 1 (yes, really a programme about Radio 1 on Radio 4) I have got the song “Flowers in the Rain” resolutely going round and round my head!. I wonder whether some vacuuming and sorting the washing out will get rid of it? Somehow I doubt it!
Monthly Archives: September 2007
Another eight legs in my bed!
Well I’ve had an emotionally charged few days and been very up and down. Today at church we had a dedication of a baby girl and a lot of focus on God receiving us like children and also focus on the relationship between father and daughter ( a song entititled “I love my girl) – which left me in tears. Things are still quite difficult and wobbly emotionally and my gall bladder operation site is also very sore again ( I think lugging bags of rotted manure and sweeping up leaves has had something to do with that – but what’s a girl to do when she has to earn a living and she also uses gardening as a therapy when she is feeling low!)
Anyway. yesterday at about 4.00pm, I really decided that I needed a snooze, only to find there was another spider in my bed (or possibly the same one back again!) I’m taking it as divine guidance that I need to vacuum under the bed!
Off for another snooze now and then to pursuade myself to do some household chores later this evening!
I really do hate it when…..
being all emotionally wound up means that I don’t sleep! I’m trying to stay calm and not “overfocus” on possible difficulties, but it is hard, and I am tired and tense.. I’m hoping that a brief spell out of bed will allow my bed to cool down and help me to calm down and rest!
Extracts from a letter to my counsellor (edited a little)
I just wanted to let you know that I am still feeling pretty dreadful. There’s other things that I’ve realised too about my desire to make, understand and know exact rules about every interaction I have ( Yes I don’t think it’s actually possible to do this, but I still find myself trying to!). Partly it’s a self-protection thing, but also I’m beginning to wonder whether actually, deep down at a level I’m not usually aware of at all, I actually feel guilty all the time – not necessarily about anything specific (or not that I’m aware of- unless it’s about actually existing! – maybe I’m actually feeling that I have to justify my existence by high achievement or else I shouldn’t exist?)
Because of this guilt I’m always scared underneath it all that I’m going to be blamed for something ( again not specified) so my desire to have detailed rules is to avoid this feeling of blame and condemnation.
Actually, typing now about possibly feeling guilty for existing, leaves me feeling that I want to cry. I feel that there is something true in it at a level I’ve not realised till now. For me there’s a connection with my early relationship with my dad. I think from a very young age I had an underlying anxiety about my Dad’s seeming ambivalence towards me and that this might have boiled down, in a very childlike simple way to “Is it really alright for me to be here?” (does my Dad really want me?). Then my answer was “yes it is OK to exist/be here if I can make my Dad pleased with me by doing something clever/of a higher standard than could usually be expected. “Performing” to a high standard, alows me to deflect that feeling of guilt just for being, and of course in order to reach a “standard” you have to know what the rules are!
I think I’m touching at something at a deeper level than before here and it feels helpful to do so. Particularly when I think “yes it is good for me to be here/to exist, regardless of what my Dad’s thoughts or feelings were towards me as a child.” The rightness/goodness of me existing is completely independant of whatever my Dad might think.
Actually, I had problems typing “the rightness/goodness of me actually existing” because deep down part of me is still finding it hard to believe.
Oh – there seems to be so much here that needs looking at.!
Thanks for reading all of this – I didn’t set out to write this much – it just kind of happened as one thought led to another. I’m still feeling pretty horrible and churned up though!
Wetter than when I put it out!
The state of my washing, that is! Well it was nice pleasant autumn sunshine at 2.00pm this afternoon, and then what are Sunday afternoons for if not a nice snooze!
In general I am finding myself quite tired and stressed at the moment. Even though I’ve been increasing my workload gradually each week and not doing the amount that I’m used to, I am feeling very tired and ended up at 11.00 last night with still a lotof work that I really ought to have done, but hadn’t! This week (promises promises) I WILL get myself working in a better routine! I feel as if I am a bit more recovered from my surgery but frustrated that it takes so long for everything to heal up – theres a load of sweeping up that really needs to be done at church! I’m going to have a go at it this week and see if I’m OK – it’s got to be better than a couple of weeks ago when I tried and really suffered for it after!
It seems really a long time ago now that I was in hospital and a bit tedious of me to bore you with all the gory bits. Suffice to say that having a drain removed after surgery was about the most painful thing I have ever experienced (worse than the unbearably severe migraine I get occasionally). Even on entonox, it was horrendous. I was given the impression by the staff who tortured, sorry, treated me that it was unusual for it to be so bad but I’m not sure whether that is really the case or whether they just wanted me to make less fuss! I’m not sure that the situation was handled the best way for me, I’d have appreciated feeling a bit more in control, though I realise that the staff were doing their best. It didn’t help that the doctor they got to remove the drain looked about 14! I’m not ageist (honest) really and I’m sure he really did know what he was doing but…….
Anyway – enough of not so pleasant memories!
I’m off to cook some tea (well microwave it anyway)!
Spiders like a cushy life!
Having put the first bit of this entry as a comment on Jack’s blog, I thought it was probably worthy of its own entry on mine!
I decided to have a convalescent afternoon nap today and found, as I got into bed, that a spider had also decided to snooze under the covers! Fortunately I’m not too spider phobic so was able to shake him out onto the floor and enjoy my sleep! I wonder if he was recuperating from a gall-bladder op too!
I am back from my brief break in the Lake District. It was good to go and I’d have been incredibly frustrated and upset if I hadn’t have been able to, but I came back pretty tired and more sore than I’d been in the first few days following my op! I’m still on the painkillers but slowly easing myself back into work. Us self-employed people just can’t afford to take the full six weeks off that the dr in the hospital offered to give me a sick note for!
Once again the benefits system shows that it is not geared up to people who are self employed (or eserious about working for a living rather than playing the system!!!). While I was signed off sick I was eligible for incapacity benefit, plus could continue to claim working tax credit. The moment I start to work I obviously don’t get incapacity benefit, but also because as I’m easing myself back to work early but only working part-time – partly not to lose too much money, partly not to let tutees down and partly because there’s no way at the moment I could do my full complement of 8 hours a week gardening, I also lose my working tax credits because I’m not working 30 hours a week! A bit of a catch 22. Then when I am working more than 30 hours in a few weeks time I’ll have another lovely time-consuming form to fill in to claim working tax credit again!
I did do some gardening this morning – just a bit over 2 hours -with a break in the middle and light duties only! It really tired me out though and I slept for 2 an a half hours this afternoon. It was lovely to be back down at church though as I do enjoy working there and it gives me some social interaction that I don’t normally get working from home. It’s really frustrating though as I have drawn up a long list of stuff that needs doing, but I’m not physically up to doing most of it yet. Today I picked up conker cases and litter, spread weed and feed, spread sodium chlorate to kill weeds and marked out an area to be dug out and “hard-cored” to take a new outdoor storage container! We are planning 2 new outdoor storage containers and I am really excited as when we have them I will have some proper storage space for gardening tools! Waaayhay!
