December 31, 2004
to all my readers!
Well this is the first year for ages that I am not doing anything special for New Year’s Eve. I can’t decide whether I mind or not but I think on balance I’m not too upset by it! I might spend the evening doing what the Chinese do on Chinese New Year’s Eve – giving every where a good clean! I went shopping in town today-trying to find an uplighter for my living room ( My sister is buying it for me as a joint Christmas/Birthday pressie) and spending a token in the Christian bookshop. I had fun shopping the other day too. I went to one of the poshest suburbs of the city and browsed in all the charity shops there! I got a Laura Ashley top (£3.95), a designer skirt (£4.50) and a nice turquoise cotton cardigan (£3.50). I really enjoyed myself and had a great sense of sucess in buying my bargains.
It’s funny how much things change in a year isn’t it? This time last year I had no idea that my job would be coming to an end or that I’d be unemployed. I have a sense that God may have something a bit different in store for me workwise in 2005 but I don’t know what. Despite all the dificulties there have been a lot of good things happening during 2004. Highlights for me have been making progress emotionally with working through some issues and my birthday weekend which was really good fun.
I hope that 2005 has really good things in store for you!
December 28, 2004
Well my lack of recent blogs has been because I have been away for Christmas. My sister and partner managed to squeeze 9 of us into their 3 bedroom flat – it wasn’t too bad as my cousin K and I slept in the basement (not at all a bad place as it has recently been plastered, painted and turned into a laundry/utility area and was very warm, having not only the central heating boiler there but a large radiator as well) and my other cousin J slept in the home office in the garden!
I travelled down on 23rd and the journey was a pain! The roads were busy and the M6 was at a standstill in places. I was particularly proud of myself having navigated from North to South London in the rush hour! I think (seriously) there was a bit of divine intervention going on there too though. I had got a route from the AA website but of course it’s not always easy to identify when you are at a particular junction (particularly as the AA had noted pubs at junctions and all the pubs seemed to have changed names!). Several times I thought I must have gone wrong but thought “Oh I’ll just turn right/left etc here because it “feels” right!” to find that I had actually turned into the very road that was on my route! I did really go a bit wrong in Kensington but managed to “feel” my way over Chelsea Bridge via Slone Square and then follow signs to Clapham where I was able to pick up on my original AA route.
I spent ages helping my sister R and her partner A decorate their place for Christmas as they had only got rid of the builders the previous weekend and hadn’t had time to do any Christmassy stuff as they had been busy claening and putting the place straight! I really enjoyed it though.
R arranged a surprise on Christmas Eve. She had hired a replica 1920’s charabanc (small bus) and driver to take us into the City centre to see the lights. We stopped and looked at the ice skaters in Somerset House. I think my Mum would have really liked to skate but was persuaded that it wasn’t a good idea only 5 months post a dual knee replacement operation! My favourite bit was crossing the river as the views were amazing.
I have mixed feelings about London. Obviously it is a big vibrant city but it brings back miserable memories of my time there as a student in the 1980’s. We drove past my old college ( Kings on the Strand) and I felt very uncomfortable.
Christmas Day was fun but actually quite busy with cooking lunch etc. A, my sister’s partner did most of the cooking and very good he was at it too! We watched Harry Potter and the prizoner of Azkerban on their home cinema on Christmas Day night. It was the best of the Harry Potters so far (I didn’t get to see it when it was at the cinema last year) and actually made me think I might try the books again having tried reading them once and not been very impressed.
On Boxing Day we drove over to Cambridgeshire to visit my grandparents who are in a nursing home. We stayed in a very posh hotel which was lovely (and my Dad paid for me which was even more lovely). R and I shared a twin room as A had gone to visit his mother and we had the most amazing bathroom. It was easily 14 feet square and had a walk in shower and an enormous claw foot bath! It also had 2 armchairs and a table in it and you could have still held a disco in the middle of the floor! Great fun and a luxury to which I could become accustomed (should I ever have enough money!).
I drove back yesterday. Traffic was bad on the M6 again but not as bad as when I travelled down. I’ve had a lovely relaxing day today. I didn’t wake up till noon (though I had some very wierd dreams) and have had fun this afternoon using all my new mud masks, skin scrubs and moisturising whatevers in the shower! My bathroom doesn’t feel very luxurious after the hotel though!
December 17, 2004
St Luke’s Playgroup, that is!
A group of 2 and 3 year olds portray the Christmas Story.
The idea was very straightforward. An adult told a simplified version of the Christmas story and the children, dressed appropriately, came forward at different moments to portray the characters and build up a tableaux. There were pauses at a few significant moments to sing the first verse of well known carols.
There was a lot of “ahh” factor when the children first appeared. Several of the angels were sucking dummies and one of the shepherds was clutching a bottle of milk (to feed orphan lambs of course;) ). They looked so cute in their little costumes. Unfortunately one of the angels took fright (what happened to “fear not?”) and burst into tears at the outset and had to go and sit on her mum’s knee. From then on, things didn’t go too badly until Mary refused to hold the infant Jesus (a doll of course) and he was thrust onto her knee where he remained looking very precarious and about to slide onto the floor at any moment. Then the innkeeper decided that he had had enough and stripped off his costume and ran off into the audience wearing his vest and a pair of trousers. A few minutes later Joseph also decided he wanted his mum (don’t blame him really, it’s tough being a step-dad) and also headed off leaving Mary as a single parent for the remainder of the performance.
They had chosen the 3 largest (and probably toughest) little boys as the 3 kings. I think they were supposed to place their gifts by the manger but the first, wearing a cheeky grin, dropped his some way off and then booted it in the vague direction of Jesus. The other 2 kings thought this was such a good idea that they copied him!
At the end of the performance, the playgroup workers handed out lots of shakers with bells on for the children to sing a chorus of “Jingle Bells”. The innkeeper suddenly remembered that he liked this bit and reappeared (still in his vest) to take part.
December 16, 2004
I have defrosted the freezer, cleaned the kitchen sink (a bit) and cleaned the kitchen bin really thoroughly rather than its usual cursory wipe. I’ve done some cleaning in every room in the flat and finished making my heart decorations. I’ve also made a throw as a present for a friend. I feel pleased. The really serious challenge of “getting to the bottom of the ironing pile” still remains though.
I didn’t sleep well last night. For the first time since I finished work I felt panicky about the future. Not so much the “will I find a job?” panic but the stress and hassle of looking for jobs, deciding if I could do things and which ones to apply for and the preparing for interviews! I feel frustrated as up till now I’ve been able to be quite calm and have a “lets see what God has in store” type attitude. I’ve SO benefited from reducing my stress levels considerably and I really don’t want to start to get more wound up again.
Well this afternoon should give me something else to think about. C, my friend’s 3 year old is in a playgroup nativity play and I’m going to watch! Hopefully there will be loads of “ahh” moments. It’s a good job C isn’t playing Mary though. On Tuesday I went to look after her for a couple of hours so my friend K could get on with stuff. We played “babies” with her dolls. She has a doll that makes noises, going through a cycle of gurgling. sleeping and crying. It wasn’t on the crying part of the cycle and C wanted it to be so she shook it and yelled at it at the top of her voice “CRY! CRY! CRY!”. What with that and insisting that when the babies went to bed they had to cover their faces with the blanket as well “because they were hiding from their mother” I’m not sure that she would project the right image for the virgin Mary!
December 13, 2004
Well I came away from my second session with my new counsellor thinking “hmm – I really think this is going to be OK”. It was helpful but in a way that is difficult to put my finger on. We spent some time exploring the boundary area between really deep dark and difficult painful feelings and the more adult rational self that is the way I function on an everyday basis. I think this was very interesting and may well be very useful. It is difficult setting out on a new emotional journey with a new person you don’t know very well and without any real certainties about where the journey will end up, but at the moment at least it feels to me as though it’s a risk worth taking.
I think I have now very nearly completed my Christmas shopping. I can’t say the same for my Christmas making though! I guess I’d better go and get on with things rather than procrastinating any longer.
December 11, 2004
..fit in this thing called “work”? I’ve had such a busy week this week. True it has involved things like exercise classes, massage and an osteopath’s appointment but even so….! I’ve been longing for a peaceful – there’s nothing I absolutely have to do so I can just potter round the flat – kind of day. Anyway, the life laundry continues, but still quite a bit to sort out. This week I threw out loads of fabric upholstery sample books that were given to me by a kind friend who knows I like doing craft work but that I only used one sample once in 10 years! Why have I kept them for 10 years when the fabrics are all really horrible? I don’t know! I have also actually been doing some cooking (hotpot, but the Yorkshire kind not the Lancashire kind) and I’m psyching myself up to defrosting the freezer.
Meanwhile I am still busy making “folk art” style heart Christmas tree decorations for a lot of my Christmas presents. I’m really pleased with them but as I am mostly giving them in sets of 6 it has meant making quite a few. At the last count I had made 30 with about another 8 to make!
I am actually really enjoying my “enforced” break at home. Certainly I am getting more relaxed which is lovely.
This afternoon I am attending the birthday party of my friend’s 6 year old. Now where did I put my earplugs! 
December 8, 2004
Please note – thats “and a headache”, not “is a headache”! I met up with my sister R today who happened to be in the city for work. We went Christmas shopping and seemed to spend most of our time looking at clothes with fairies on them for her 2 small nieces. Actually this was great fun (I am now an expert on all the fairy related clothing for 2 year olds in Monsoon, Next, Selfridges Marks and Spencer and Boots! Fairies are BIG this year. Boots even had childrens knickers with them on!) but made me wish I had a little one of my own to buy such things for. It was lovely to meet R and I was looking forward to showing her all the recent improvements in my flat but by the time we got home I had the most cracking migraine that I’ve had for years. I was proper poorly and couldn’t even talk!. Ah well – feeling better this morning if a bit tired. Do you thing I could claim that I can’t do Christmas shopping in the future cos it gives me migraines?
December 6, 2004
Well Ihad my first “proper” session with my new counsellor today. I was a bit startled to find that I got into really deep feelings very quickly, but in a way I think that is good too (though not easy). I think I am feeling a bit scared about things but mostly I think it may be going to be OK.
Other than that I have done an audit of the Christmas presents I have already bought and noted those still to be bought/made. I find that doing this pays (literally – as otherwise I forget what I have got already and end up buying 2 things for 1 person!)
Need to go and get some lunch now!
December 5, 2004
Well I have been determined to go through all my stuff before putting it on shelves again – honest I have. The trouble is that I still haven’t finished and the mess in the bedroom is really getting me down. So I’ve decided that the 2 boxes of photographs (probably about 3 years worth or more) can go back on the shelves to be sorted and albumed at a future date. The bedroom carpet is now visible again (just) and I only have about 3 years of bank statements to shred and about 4 more boxes to sort out – so things are improving! I am still enjoying my unexpected “leisure break” (aka unemployment for anyone who hasn’t read much of this blog before) but have hit the “I’m really tired and just want to crash out all the time but when I do I then don’t sleep well at night” stage.
I have discovered some worthwhile things though. because I am unemployed and have a note from my osteopath to say he is treating me and that I would benefit from extra massage, I can get a full body aromatherapy massage lasting an hour, once a week for £5 a time! 
Needless to say I’m taking advantage of it. The lady doing the massage said my back looked better this week than last. I asked her what she meant and she said “well kind of less deformed”! Gulp – didn’t realise the stress had got THAT bad!
December 2, 2004
Firstly many apologies for the lack of recent blogs. I guess things have been pretty busy in the last few weeks. I finished work last Wednesday. Mostly I was just relieved to leave to be honest. Since then I have been enjoying my status as a “lady of leisure”! Actually I haven’t had too many lie-ins since I finished work, but it is nice to get up a bit more slowly and allow myself time to come round a bit in the mornings. I have had a carpenter come and build shelves and cupboards in the living room and this has entailed moving all the stuff in the living room into the bedroom which now looks like a cross between a skip and a jumble sale! I’m slowly putting stuff back in the living room now but I’m determined to sort through stuff properly though while I have the time, not just stuff everything back again! So far I’ve thrown out loads of rubbish and taken 4 bags to the charity shop. Where does it all come from? It took me several hours last night just to iron the newly washed living room curtains! I am enjoying myself though and I’m also taking out time to relax, read books, go to the gym and have aromatherapy massages (amongst other things!). I’m also enjoying having time to be creative and I think I will end up making a lot of my Christmas presents this year! (that’s if I EVER get things straight again!)
