November 9, 2004
So I’ve been to see another counsellor today with a view to beginning work with her. I think the session went quite well and I’m tentatively optimistic that it may be a good way forward. I do feel soooo frightened though. There was nothing particularly upsetting about the session and she was very gentle and respectful of where I was at and the work I have done with my previous counsellor but it is still just so scary being vulnerable with someone completely new! I’ve decided (with her) to give it a try for 4 sessions and then assess what is happening to see if we both feel we could continue longer term. So – wait and see, I guess.
On Sunday I completely rearranged all the furniture in the living room. I’m not sure why except that I was feeling pretty anxious and wanted something to occupy me. This is the first stage in the “living room refurbishment” project – to be completed while I am “resting” between employments! I quite like the new layout but I still haven’t found the right new homes for all the little bits and pieces!
November 7, 2004
Well – after not getting the last job I went for I have made a decision of sorts. I was very upset about not getting it and felt really drained emotionally. I decided I can’t keep on at that emotional pace or pressure. So once I finish work on 24 November I am going to take a bit of a breather and not seriously look for work until the new year!
I am feeling God’s provision in the financial agreement from work as it will mean I am much more financially secure in being able to take the break than I would be otherwise. It was funny really. On my way back from the Personnel Office when they had offered me this agreement, I bumped into 2 African students I know. Their names……? Grace and Mercy! Sometimes God has some lovely ways of assuring you of his love and care and provision!
Of course I am messing things up by continuing to be anxious and wound up. I guess when I take my time off I’ll have to be quite structured with the things that I do or else I am likely to end up sinking into a depressive spiral. I have plans though (including refurbishing the living room) so as long as I can be firm with myself to get on with things it should be OK.
I have started today by: doing the washing up, hanging up some washing, tidying up the living room and of course catching up with my blog.
I’m also at a bit of a dilemma regarding my counselling. I am not sure whether the NHS provision I had assessment sessions for is going to be the right thing for me and also there is at least a 6 month waiting list so I thought I’d explore other alternatives while I’m waiting. So far nothing has seemed particularly right there either, though I have another avenue I want to explore next week. Of course most of these things involve payment (and pretty expensive payement at that!) and that’s a risky decision to make with my current situation! I don’t want to start with someone and get into a good therapeutic relationship with them and then find I have to stop because of finances. On the other hand, maybe it’s part of God’s provision for me to earmark some of my money specifically to pay for counselling.
All in all there are a lot of “unknowns” for me at the moment and being the control freak that I am, I’m finding that pretty difficult. I guess I just have to keep on taking things one day at a time.
Oh – and I’ve also discovered that my church has a very subversive Sunday School teacher. My friend’s little boy went to the class when they stayed with me last week and he was adamant that he had learnt all about how Noah’s ark sank!
November 2, 2004
Well, I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week either. Feeling very fragile and low.
