Arti's accounts

In case anyone is still vaguely wondering – my new glasses still go unnoticed. 11 days and counting! Does anyone know the address for the Guinness Book of Records?

I had another counselling session yesterday. We were talking about how I’ve not had my own feelings, ideas or opinions (but especially feelings) affirmed while I was growing up. It has seemed that as long as my feelings were in line with what my Mum thought my reactions “should” be then that was OK, but if they were different from this then they were ignored, dismissed, denied or even ridiculed. I’ve also been realising that not only is this the case, but that I’ve felt somehow it was wrong to have these differing thoughts or feelings too. I guess I’ve learned to keep those feelings secret, to the point where sometimes I’ve not even acknowledged them or perhaps even allowed myself to react at all. At other times I’ve tried to undertake an impossible balancing act whereby I can acknowledge what is going on for me but still somehow manipulate or organise that feeling so that it matched what my Mum wanted. Then I’d feel it was my fault when I couldn’t do this. I guess it is not surprising I’ve been feeling angry.

I’ve been thinking of something I used to do when I was little – say about aged 7 or so. I would wait for evenings when my Mum had gone out and my Dad was either asleep or tucked away in his study working. Then I would go into the living room, put records on the record player (yes I am that old – we had a record player) and dance my heart out! Given my complete lack of coordination, I can see with adult eyes that it would be a very “unpolished” performance to say the least. But for me, in my own imagination, then, no one had ever danced better. I was a prima ballerina on the opening night of a new ballet; I was a gypsy girl dancing round a camp fire; I was a princess at a ball; I had wings and could fly

Do you know why I waited to do it in secret? Simply that I didn’t want to be laughed at. Maybe this doesn’t sound so serious. Most adults find the things children do or say amusing at times, but I think this is just an example of a bigger pattern, and maybe that’s why I’ve found it such a problem.

Since I remembered this, I’ve been wondering what God’s reaction was to my dancing – perhaps he’ll let me know sometime soon.

I feel as though I have a locked cupboard door within me, behind which are stacked and stored a lot of hidden feelings that have been ridiculed or dismissed down the years. I’ve been thinking of all the negative angry hurt feelings that are there, but maybe, remembering the dancing, there are positive ones too. I think I’m beginning to open that door and I hope I can begin to discover the part of myself that has got shut away with the feelings too. It seems that the part of me that has got shut away is very scared and shy, very uncertain of her reception amongst others, perhaps even unsure of her “right” to be there at all.

I’d really like it if one day, she felt free enough and confident enough to dance again.

Today I went to have my hair cut. Why is it that whenever I get my hair really nice, the hairdresser (even if it is the same one) can never reproduce the cut another time? So, today, having been totally fed up with the way my hair has been over the last few months, I said to him "well I don’t know what to do with it – what do you suggest?" So he has cut some bits and left others to grow out layers a bit and he says if I go again in about six weeks he’ll be able to style it like.. Well like something or other, I can’t remember exactly. I only hope he will be able to remember! Still it looks a bit different now. You will have noted that I have a peculiar disability that means I am totally unable to describe hairstyles. I don’t know why – I just can’t explain them or know really how I would like my hair to look. Anyway – it’ll really confuse those people who haven’t noticed my new glasses but have been vaguely thinking I look a bit different!

What do you think of my new glasses? I got them yesterday. I’m really pleased with them. I’ve been thinking about getting another pair as the ones I got a year ago were chosen in a bit of a hurry and I’ve never been particularly fond of them. I’ve gone for a whole new look this time – rimless frames and I let the guy in Vision Express talk me into smallish rectangular lenses – he said they definitely looked the best!

So why, when I went to church this morning, did no one notice?

I know, I know, the point of going to church is not to show off new glasses, but I did feel a tad disappointed that no one told me how wonderful I looked in them!!!! (perhaps I don’t and they are all remaining tactfully silent!)

I guess I’ll just have to try again this evening – maybe someone will notice this time!

By the way, aren’t glasses expensive these days? I guess though it’s worth spending my additional pay award from work (bonus paid for us agreeing to move to new pay scale) on them as they are the only thing I wear all day and every day. Actually that makes me feel a bit better. If I have them for a year (and often I keep a pair for 2 years) it works out at just under 50p a day- -so not so bad then. Good job they were on special offer!

Well we had a good day. Only one case of serious travel sickness – no other mishaps. As they edged out on branches overhanging the river I did find myself wondering if I was insured for that, closely followed by thinking – well they are adults and are doing things at their own risk, followed by – how will we explain to the coach driver if we have to take any one of them back soaking wet?

List of unusual things of interest to international students:

weight on a chain used to close a gate
dried up blackberries still on the bush from last year
dogs – any and every dog seems to be another photo opportunity – even more exciting if they are actually swimming in the river

We only had one student who didn’t bring a packed lunch. That’s fairly good going really and fortunately (for him) the cafe was open. As I was sitting happily in the mouth of a cave where we stopped for lunch, munching my ham sandwiches, I looked up to see that two students were eating sushi with chopsticks from a tupperware container. Packed lunches mean very different things to different people!

I was a bit bemused when one student asked me why I had told them all to wear sensitive shoes. This led to an impromptu English lesson on the difference in meaning between "sensitive" and "sensible"!

It didn’t rain and the sun actually came out from time to time in the afternoon too!